An easy to read & quite well written book but a bit too dark for me. I found it difficult to identify with the main character who is not at all likeable. I spent a lot of the book wondering what mental illness he was suffering from! Turns out he was just selfish & masochistic.

Wow, I really don't know what to say about this book. I suppose I'd say it's beautiful, but some of the horrifying and depressing parts make me wonder if 'beautiful' is a bit too inappropriate. It's a book that made me angry, sad, and somehow a little bit happy when it came full circle.

I have to say that I really love the two voices in this book. I was worried that the child voice would be too cutesy and juvenile or unbelievable, but it's incredibly accurate and makes me wish adults gave children more credit. I really did feel like I was in that 8 year old boy's mind, and remembered my own frustrations with how adults treated me at that age. It's great when contrasted against the adult voice, as it's quite jarring to go from that youthful innocence to adult sexuality and adult dramas.

The mother in this book was also really believable, and her actions remind me a lot of the despicable characters Stephen King creates in some of his books, like abusive husbands where I can't wait for them to meet a horrible end. Watching the mother's story developing was really interesting because I initially started out like this, wanting her to have a moment of clarity in her dying moments for her son to abuse her about all the horrible things she'd done.

But then as the story progressed, I began to feel sorry for her in her last few days, especially after reading the letter she'd tried to write her son over the years. And by the time she eventually died, I'd lost all those feelings of animosity toward her and may or may not have cried like a baby. D: Though I have to admit that I probably wouldn't have spent the last few chapters crying if it weren't for the cat having to be put down, I started crying during those scenes and then didn't stop! Judging by how much I cried, it was a really effective device.

I also found it interesting how much I loathed the mother for how she abused her son, because it was never outright emotional or physical abuse - it was smaller things, an almost subtle kind of neglect that really took its toll. I sat there thinking "god, she's an awful mother" but if I were to explain why she was so horrible to someone, I wouldn't be able to easily point it out.

I also adore the non-linear chronology that this book takes, I think it works well and is perfectly paced to reveal what ultimately happened to Robert and changed everything forever. I liked that the book wasn't set out so it was just a guy coming back to his hometown to deal with an emotionally abusive dying mother - it had an unusual mystery element to keep me guessing. I liked how Robert's fate was what drove the whole book, yet you're kept guessing about what really happened until 3/4 of the way through.

Overall I quite enjoyed this book, with the last few chapters having me sobbing like an absolute baby. It takes what could be a pretty generic drama storyline and turns it on its head, shaking up the chronology and using subtle plot devices for maximum impact. I didn't think this would be my kind of book when I first received it, but it's affected me quite a lot, and is probably the best that I've received through the Goodreads First Reads program so far.

If you're into dramas where a character comes back to their hometown to face their past, or even if you aren't, give this book a read. It could easily be generic and predictable, but the subtle changes really differentiate it from similar stories. And I know it certainly changed my expectations of the genre.

FTC Disclaimer: I received this book through the Goodreads First Reads program. My opinions aren't influenced from receiving the book for free, because if you check my first-reads shelf you'll see me having torn an author a new one before ;] A shit book will still be a shit book in the end, after all!

Oh my gosh this was phenomenal!!! From page one I was completely engaged in everything - the characters, the plot, THE WRITING. It was especially good when it was from the perspective of the MC when he was a child. Hard to put down. Easy favorite. Great work of literary fiction. 9/10

Too troubling. Can't finish. Very well written.

"Meine Kindheit lauert in mir, wie geballte Fäuste in meinen Händen lauern"

Jon Bauer gibt in seinem Debütroman die erdrückende und von Selbstzweifeln geprägte Kindheit des Ich-Erzählers wieder und erzählt von den Narben, welche diese in seinem Leben hinterlassen hat.

Den Namen des Protagonisten erfährt man nicht – bei neuen Bekanntschaften stellt er sich als „Michael“ vor. Nach jahrelangem Aufenthalt in Kanada, kehrt der 28-jährige Ich-Erzähler in sein Elternhaus zurück, um seine kranke Mutter zu pflegen. Der wiederaufgenommene Kontakt zu ihr und die erdrückende Atmosphäre des Hauses lassen ihn erneut prägende Momente seiner Kindheit durchleben.

Der Protagonist ist Einzelkind, jedoch nahm seine Mutter immer wieder neue Pflegejungen auf und schürte damit Selbstzweifel und Eifersucht mit denen ihr Sohn anschließend zu kämpfen hatte. Als der Pflegejunge Robert in die Familie kam und der Liebling der Mutter wurde, nahm diese Eifersucht schließlich extreme Züge an.

Präzise, und unzensiert beschreibt Jon Bauer die kindliche Psyche – wie wehrlos sie ist und wie schnell sie Narben fürs Leben annimmt.

Ein sprachgewaltiger Roman über die Hilflosigkeit eines Kindes und der Frage, ob man gut genug ist.

I find the description does not really match the book and would like to give a trigger warning: the mother becomes dependent because she has terminal brain cancer. I do not recommend this book to anyone with a relative or friend in a similar situation, I started reading it not knowing and it just ripped the floor out from underneath me.
I also found the characters pretty shallow and unlikeable, this book should be touching and emotional but I couldn’t bond with them whatsoever.

I don't think it would be possible to read this book and not have some kind of reaction - whether it be tears, anger, disgust or whatever.

Unnamed, unlikeable narrator.

4.5 star rating.
A dark family drama that explores the fragmented, complex relationship between mother and son. The story is told from the perspective on an unnammed narrator and switches back an forth from him in the present day and him at 8 years old. I found Bauer's depiction of the mother and son relationship to be very realistic and his perspective of an 8-year old very authentic. As much as I enjoyed this book I strongly disliked the narrator, I could not sympathise with him despite having an understanding of his difficult upbringing. On the other side, I was able to sympathise with the mother throughout the story, and understand her need to foster children to bring a sense of purpose to her life, to overcome her grief and perhaps fill a void that mothering her one son was not able to fill. In saying this, I felt for the 8-year old narrator and his apparent need for attention, and emotional and physical intimacy his mother neglected to give him. Overall, this is a beautifully written novel that has the ability to take the reader on an emotional rollercoaster and I'm sure will be one that will stay with me.

An easy to read & quite well written book but a bit too dark for me. I found it difficult to identify with the main character who is not at all likeable. I spent a lot of the book wondering what mental illness he was suffering from! Turns out he was just selfish & masochistic.

I don't think it would be possible to read this book and not have some kind of reaction - whether it be tears, anger, disgust or whatever.

Unnamed, unlikeable narrator.