Four stars upon finishing—right before bed, RIP to my dreams—though that rating might change upon morning and more reflection, because wow.

...

Okay. It is morning, and I'm upping my rating to 5 stars. This is undoubtedly my favorite indie extreme horror title that I've read, and I think that deserves recognition.

What separates Fluids from the pack of other gory novellas you can get on Kindle Unlimited?* For me, it's the intensely disturbing things it has to say about love. Namely, that it can be (always is?) obsessive and one-sided and drive(s) even "innocent" (in Dahlia's words) people to do immeasurable harm to one another. There are many quotes I could pull related to this, but this one from Lauren near the end stood out to me: "I want to clean every part of her, but I also want to see all her damage. I want to be the one to inspect her pain. I want to secure her away from all the pain I haven't caused her. She's all for me now."

Gross! my brain responded. And then, God, I hope that's not me! I don't think I've ever read another horror novel that made me want to give it to my ex and ask, "Did I do this to you? Like, metaphorically?"** That's a much more uncomfortable feeling than anything related to gore.

One of the scariest things in the world to me is when someone causes harm to someone else not because they want to hurt them, but because they are convinced that they are doing what's best for their victim. They're even convinced that their victim likes it. And under the blood and shit and bile, that's what Fluids is all about.

It's also all about its trans protagonist, Dahlia, finding her own strength, independence, and will to live through the trials of an incredibly toxic relationship that, in true sapphic fashion, moves way, way too quickly and spins out of control. (I shouldn't have to undermine my own joke, but just in case: Most of us do not kill people about it, though!) I don't know if it's a spoiler or an enticement to say that I found the ending redemptive and hopeful, but one of my favorite quotes is definitely a spoiler, so I'll put it under a cut:

Spoiler

"She made a little love, and she wrote 'Dahlia' on that love and called it mine. It's her love to have. I don't have to share her sentiment. I don't have to share in her love. I am the love of her life, but she's not mine. I am my own love of my life. [...] All the things she did for me. All the things she did to me. No matter what she does, she will never make them have meaning."

So yeah. This book was a ride that made me uneasy, angry, sad, and weirdly hopeful. Like Poppy Z. Brite's Exquisite Corpse, it might be one of those books that "you enjoy but don't ever tell anyone about it ever" as May says in her video about disturbing books. But I've probably got a five-star rating for Exquisite Corpse floating around here, too, so what the hell. I really enjoyed this book, but please do not take that as a friendly recommendation without checking some content warnings. Please.***

-

*Or purchase a physical copy after spending a week straight listening to May Leitz narrate the NSFL iceberg on YouTube while you knit because that's the only thing that's comforting. Hi, summer 2023 me! You're not doing well!

**Don't worry about my ex. We are on good terms, and unlike me, she would simply never read this book.

***My ex read this and suggested that I include said content warnings, so off the top of my head: violence, murder, torture, rape, gore, vomit, transphobia, parental death, suicide and suicidal ideation, bodily mutilation, drug/alcohol use… and I think that’s it?