Oh my god why didn't you tell me you came here just to drain me of my tears? I was constantly crying whle reading this book and by the end of it my eyes were puffy and sore and I was pretty much drowning. NOT EXAGGERATING. Honestly, writing this review, especially the quotes is making me tear up again...

But first of all, read the trigger warnings. Here are the ones I could think of.
TW: death, grief, depression, family issues, character almost drowns, panic attack, self-depreciating thoughts

Writing a review for this book is extremely hard. This was an intense and wild emotional ride and I learnt a lot during this. The thing I loved the most about this book is how Akemi portrayed the anger part of depression and grief. Media and books usually show us that depression means sadness and tears but Rumi showed us that it was okay to be angry and mad while depressed and dealing with grief. The characters in this book are messy and flawed but I guess that's what made me love them more. The family relations, especially sibling dynamics between two sisters were depicted accurately with a lot of raw emotions and confusion.

Throughout the book the author normalizes confusion and emphasizes that it's okay for teenagers to be confused about who they really are and their sexuality. Speaking of sexuality, Rumi is questioning aro and ace which leads to her being confused, angry and straight out abnormal.

I's okay fo' be confused, an id okay fo' not be confused. One isn't mo' bettah dan da uddah, yeah? Dey both normal. Dey both okay.

Knowing myself should be the easiest thing I do in life but somehow it feels like the hardest.

As a teenager who is questioning the same spectrum this hit me really hard and I read so many things that really changed my perspective especially about teenagers not having to choose to pertain any labels if they don't want to. It's okay to experiment with your sexuality and not confine to any boxes and just be you. I ca't tell how much this meant to me.

I'm eighteen and I no have all da answers fo' everything. But dat's da fun part- figuring everyt'ing out. I don't want all da answers right now. I like try living instead.

I also loved how Rumi's relationship was handled with Kai. Kai was like a fresh breeze of air, adding a positive perspective to the whole book and lifting everyone up. Oh and I'm definitely here for the unspoken and therapeutic relationship that Rumi and Mr Watanabe had wherein both of them were helping each other drive away he ghosts of their past through music. Oh the music. Let's just say my hands are aching to find my own guitar at this point.

Because music is more powerful and familiar than breathing.

Rumi has a harsh and difficult journey ahead of her but I loved seeing how she slowly came out of her shell throughout the book and overcame the tremendous obstacles in her life. The ending is the best thing I could have asked for and truly does justice to the plot and the characters.

I've been terrified all change would be like that- scary and lonely and confusing. But maybe some change is gradual. It creeps up on you so slowly you don't even realize what's happening, until suddenly the world feels stable again.

Good-byes are hard. I've had to say way too many good-byes lately, and I think I'm finally ready for something else. I think I'm ready to live.