“Life goes on. It doesn’t give us any other choice.”

Whew where to even begin. I’m struggling with what to think and how to feel. Devastated doesn’t seem like a strong enough word to describe how I’m feeling. I can’t keep this review spoiler free, there’s too much I want to say, and I feel I can’t talk about this book without talking about the ending. Backman clearly tells you what will happen on the first page, but I think if you love Benji, like anyone who reads this series will, then you’ll keep hoping until the very end, because how can you not?

I do think the original title “Those Who Run Towards Fire” should have been kept. It fits incredibly well, and is a beautiful tribute to Benji - the boy who always runs towards fire.

As always, the best part of this series is its characters, and that doesn’t change in this book. Backman does characterization incredibly well and they’re the kind of characters you’ll never forget. There are so many in this series it at times feels very overwhelming, but they’re always fleshed out, complex characters and most of them you can’t help but root for. I’ve always said this series is about humanity and it's many shades of gray, and I stand by that. Backman doesn’t shy away from showing us that great people can do bad things, and awful people can love and feel as we all do.

“He has seen good people capable of great evil, but also terrible people capable of great goodness”

Backman’s writing is beautiful and he knows how to pack a punch. This book is about so much that it’s hard to describe what it’s about. Community, love, relationships, devotion, grief, desperation, good and evil. It explores every type of relationship that exists, with the most surprising also being the most meaningful. It’s the simple relationships that pack so much power in this book. The bond between Teemu and Peter was probably my absolute favorite part of this book and an unexpected team up I couldn’t help but immediately support. I could read an entire book about their hijinks together. Bobo’s storyline was also a nice respite from all of the doom and gloom in this book (and there’s a lot - it’s heavy).

My two favorite characters died in this book. It felt like this was endlessly sad at times. A bit bleak and never ending. There were many occasions I was just sitting there speechless and completely crushed.

It’s a long book... probably too long and could have benefitted from being cut down. Benji’s death at the very end packs less of a punch because of how long and drawn out it is. And it isn’t just the length that’s the issue, it’s repetitive. Some of the same stories and phrases are repeated from this book and previous books. It’s still a great book, I still thoroughly enjoyed it, but it wasn’t nearly as strong as the first two.

And I think for my own sake, and mental well being, I’m going to pretend this book doesn’t exist, and that some of these things never happened. I’ll dream Ramona lives long enough to meet Teemu’s son, and Benji gets to fall in love and be happy and be loved and cherished in a way he never let himself feel before. He deserved a happy ending, more than anyone. That will always crush me, and likely a reason I won’t be able to reread this book again.

“This hurts too much to touch with words”

It’s one thing to suspect it’s going to happen for years, and keep hoping despite that suspicion and the foreshadowing, only to have it be thrown in your face throughout the whole book until it happens. I kept hoping maybe there was some way around it, maybe something would change, because why would he be so obvious about it happening? But it happened anyway, and it hurt a whole fucking lot. I will probably never forgive Backman for that one.

“It’s going to hurt a hell of a lot for a hell of a long time, Alicia. There will be some grown-ups who tell you that time heals all wounds, but it never bloody does. You just get a bit damn tougher. And it only hurts a tiny bit fucking less.”