A few years ago we took the kids then 10 & 12 to visit Tate Britain. and we led them past the unmade bed; and the piles of rotting bread with the human impressions; and the black canvas that has been ripped and we got so tired trying to explain 'why?' to the kids; 'why is this art? ' 'why is this clever?' 'why? '
and then we moved to the next room; and there was an old master, maybe painted in the 16th Century, in oil. In it was a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel - we have a Cavvie - and it looked so real; the perspective so perfect that it looked like you could just reach in to the painting and stroke it.

So how to review "I Love Dick" " the most important book about men and women written in the last century.' (Emily Gould the Guardian) I'm so tempted to say 'flaccid' or 'if this is dick I definitely prefer cunt' but I bet those jokes were all done back in 97. actually Cunt is too strong a word; what is the vagina equivalent to 'Dick'? you can't say 'pussy' too porny; especially after President Trump's proud grabbing of them. fanny? Vag? wasn't there a poll in somewhere enlightened like Finland to name the 'willy' of vaginas - not sexual; not taboo; not 'the most awful thing there is. ." just the willy of vaginas. but when I think about it 'Dick' isn't 'willy' it's a notch above 'willy' on the swear scale. oh we have so far to go!
this book is so festooned in literary accolades it's difficult to judge impartially. and going by goodread reviews this is a real Marmite book (Americans don't have Marmite - how do they describe a 'love it or hate it' thing? how did we, before salty yeasty spread? ). I Love Dick is funny in places; very "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf". never a page turner - no reason to continue reading and I never discovered what makes it justify all the praise lavished upon it. okay; every 4 or 5 pages there's a good line. But if you did the 180 flip and this were written by a man; writing all those letters to a woman - especially the 'we were wondering how to dispose of a body' letters - it would be creepy; intimidating; maybe fascinating? Maybe if it were subtitled "inside the twisted mind of a stalker" it would make more sense...
and maybe...maybe if Dick was more of a ... dick; he wasn't that much of a dick was he? I've met loads of guys that are way more dickish than Dick - hell, I'm more of a dick than Dick. Maybe events at the White House and the #metoo and Harvey Whatsisname have outdicked Dick to such a degree that he (as a villain) has been Undicked, dedicked. ..castrated?

But ultimately I feel a little left out; this is a cult novel and I'm obviously not in the cult.
weirdly, serendipitously, I had just decided that I hated this book and was going to abandon it when my mother gave me a review of a punk poetry book, in the TLS written by .... Chris Kraus! what are the chances? If I was a believer I'd say it was a sign. so I dutifully believed and returned to I Love Dick started part 2. After 15 minutes I thought 'aw feck it! life's too short! ' and skipped forward to when Dick wrote back....
and unlike Emily Gould I was utterly underwhelmed.
I reckon I much prefer .... [the vagina equivalent of dick] but then I'm a dick; what would I know?