how can i explain my being for the entire duration of reading this text? i couldn't fathom myself, couldn't understand how i could get so choked up. as always, i think it's because of the religious themes. how i want it in my own terms, like Marie's. and i think of the younger me who wanted to be a priest.

no, this is not a book review because all i can really say about this book is that it touched a raw nerve inside me and i feel more like myself after having read it.

(snide comment after i caught a glimpse of roxane gay's review of this book, about how the end "falters, as if it doesn't know where to end" – one reason why i think that was the case is because after a life so well-lived such as Marie's, any form of ending will falter. the narrative almost doesn't have a choice. that's why the ending feels more like knees buckling rather than a dynamic landing.)