when i was younger, i used to read a lot. i’m trying to get back into reading but something that i’ve just realized is that not only did i read a lot, i also reread my favorite books. just like with favorite movies, i would pick up a book, read it every waking minute, and immediately upon finishing it, start it again. i did it countless of times. i couldn’t even tell you how many books i did it with or how many times. this is one of those books.

the thing is, i hadn’t read this book in years. reading it with fresh, older eyes however, i was surprised how much could still be felt. the emotion this book gives me, a book that i’ve thought of off and on for years, is still just as raw, just as heart breaking as the first time i picked it up sometime around my freshman or sophomore year of high school. “part longing - part sorrow - part hope.” that’s what this books gives to me.

the thing that LaCour does better than most YA contemporary authors is evoke strong emotions, with both its characters and the plot. no, it’s not very action heavy, the typical “rise and fall” of standard english literature is mostly emotional, but it’s something so simple that it works so well. reading “we are okay” for the first time after seeing so much praise for it, i was stunned. the amount of growth LaCour had over the past 10 years was astounding, while also being so familiar. it was like reading “hold still”s older, sadder sister. i feel like that is really LaCour’s strength - tapping into her emotions, making the characters feel and be real. even the smallest characters like Maddy or Henry are interesting and make this book much larger and longer than it truly is. it’s an emotional burden, to feel what Caitlin’s feeling, what she’s thinking about, and how she’s reacting to her best friend dying.

yes, there are somethings that i disliked now that i read it as an adult. Caitlin, while going through very emotional and difficult time in her life, was not perfect and very much a teenager. however, once Taylor gets into the picture more i felt like some of Caitlin’s healing was stunted. it wasn’t that she exactly used him as a crutch, but i felt that it was too soon for them to get together. i go back and forth with that a lot, because teenagers will be teenagers but i feel like if LaCour has only hinted towards the very end (the pool scene at Henry’s house) that they might get together, it could have been a bit better. of course, that is only my opinion. every character is like a truly real, living person, and i really liked Taylor, but i felt like towards the end he was used to build a relationship. the use of art, building, and photography was absolutely perfect, and feel like if LaCour had used that time to instead focus on Caitlin’s photography, it would have been time well spent.

so i guess now i have to answer - what do i think of the book that i loved so much when i was younger verses now? well, like when i was a teenager, i couldn’t resist reading some parts aloud. (when i was younger, i used to do this all the time, not only did i get over a speech impediment i had from when i was a child by doing this, it also helped me learn how to read.) hearing the words, so emotional and full of heart ache, read out into open air, was just beautiful. LaCour may not have many books out that i have a desire to read, but is it silly to say she’s one of my favorite authors? her writing, her characters, are just so inspiring to me. i can’t ignore that at all. so this review, and star rating, is 10000% biased but so what? i will never get over the fact that o love this book, loved it from the moment i first picked it up, and will continue to love it and want to reread it over and over again. so, yes, if that answers the question - i do love it, will my whole heart and will probably never stop thinking about it and how much it means to me.