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A review by morgan_blackledge
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World by Alan Downs
5.0
Oh god what a life affirming and inspirational book.
It's ironic that many men, gay and straight alike, will be diverted from reading this healing, insight engendering book, simply out of fear.
It's sad that many women may not feel drawn to this liberating and empowering book because it's about men.
A lot of people will even avoid this review out of fear and shame.
And that is such a shame.
Because this book is a thing of beauty, intelligence and excellence (all things commonly associated with gayness).
And it is also full of authentic clarity, wisdom, inspiration, hope, compassion and healing (all things we all so urgently need, now more than ever).
God Bless the Child:
Dr. Alan Downs begins this book with an honest discussion about gay children.
He observes that many people become uncomfortable with the subject of gay children due to a false conflation of adult sexuality and gayness.
He asserts that every straight man was a straight child, with all of the identity affirmation that accompanies a straight childhood, including the blanket assumption that you will play with toy trucks and grow up to like girls.
Dr. Downs elaborates that every gay man was a gay child, with all of the identity invalidation that accompanies those same assumptions, and with the additional subtle and overt slander and rejection that we regularly subject gay children to, particularly when they don't conform to expectations of heterosexuality.
Internalized Homophobia and Shame:
Dr. Downs' hypothesizes that, as children and later in adolescence, many (if not all) gay men faced exposure to horrendous slander and rejection by the men they most admired and loved, beginning with their fathers, and continuing with their family, peers and society at large.
It is a fairly incontrovertible claim of developmental psychology, that a young person who is exposed to abuse and neglect is at exceedingly high risk for internalizing their maltreatment in the form of deeply held beliefs/assumptions that they are the unworthy of love, that their care takers will not be there for them, and that the world is fundamentally unsafe unless they remain vigilant, and conceal, conform, improve or otherwise change who they are.
Dr. Downs asserts that the wounding rejection gay men face from every direction, at critical periods of development, can dominate their lives from within, in the form of self rejection and overwhelming shame.
Foreclosure and the Crisis Of Meaning:
Dr. Downs asserts that this pervasive toxic shame drives many gay men to compensate in ways that may ultimately deprive them of genuine meaning and contentment.
In other words, the common gay male quest to find solace and validation in sex, partying, and in externalities such as achievement, money and life style leave many gay men feeling empty at later stages of life.
The Road to Contentment:
Dr. Downs posits that resolving this crisis of meaning is about honest and radical authenticity and acceptance, resulting in liberation from the need to "guild shame with the extraordinary."
Dr. Downs observes that the road to contentment is paved with passion, love and integrity.
Passion:
Dr. Downs defines passion in terms of qualities of living and being that engender vitality and give life a sense of direction and meaningful purpose.
Dr. Downs posits that becoming emotionally alive is necessary in order to awaken to our authentic passion for living.
In other words, we have to feel our feelings (pleasant and painful) in order to know what's important.
We have to feel our authentic feelings in order to know if we're going in the right direction or not.
For those of us that have resorted to escape, dissociation or numbing in order to survive our youth (or some other ordeal), and for those of us who developed acute sensitivity to the slightest signs of rejection out of utter existential necessity, we will need to practice feeling our authentic feelings with acceptance and mindfull intentionality in order to gain real emotional clarity and freedom.
Love:
Dr. Downs opines that radical self acceptance and love is a prerequisite condition for recovery from self rejection and shame.
You can't hate yourself forward.
For those of us that believe we are functional only because we drive or selves like slaves.
Imagine trying to teach and motivate a child with violence and cruelty, as opposed to unconditionally loving support and guidance.
For those of us that have internalized harshly negative, disparaging beliefs about or selves, our worthiness of love, and our rightful place in this world, we must practice radical self acceptance, compassion and love in order to simply feel at ease, let alone achieve real excellence and authentic contentment.
Integrity:
Dr. Downs challenges gay men to live with integrity. To live life in a way that is congruent with their authentic values and needs.
For all of us who have sacrificed our self care, or bent ourselves to conform to another's way, or submitted to the wounding injunctions of a cruel, ignorant or indifferent authority, or otherwise acted in conflict with our authentic core values, or simply out of fear, or lack of clarity, we must intentionally identify and bravely pursue lives of real meaning, vitality, liberation and (if you ask me) service.
In Conclusion:
I am confident that there is something essential and good for everyone in this powerful book. I can't recommend it enough. Particularly in these fearful, hopeful times.
Five stars*****
It's ironic that many men, gay and straight alike, will be diverted from reading this healing, insight engendering book, simply out of fear.
It's sad that many women may not feel drawn to this liberating and empowering book because it's about men.
A lot of people will even avoid this review out of fear and shame.
And that is such a shame.
Because this book is a thing of beauty, intelligence and excellence (all things commonly associated with gayness).
And it is also full of authentic clarity, wisdom, inspiration, hope, compassion and healing (all things we all so urgently need, now more than ever).
God Bless the Child:
Dr. Alan Downs begins this book with an honest discussion about gay children.
He observes that many people become uncomfortable with the subject of gay children due to a false conflation of adult sexuality and gayness.
He asserts that every straight man was a straight child, with all of the identity affirmation that accompanies a straight childhood, including the blanket assumption that you will play with toy trucks and grow up to like girls.
Dr. Downs elaborates that every gay man was a gay child, with all of the identity invalidation that accompanies those same assumptions, and with the additional subtle and overt slander and rejection that we regularly subject gay children to, particularly when they don't conform to expectations of heterosexuality.
Internalized Homophobia and Shame:
Dr. Downs' hypothesizes that, as children and later in adolescence, many (if not all) gay men faced exposure to horrendous slander and rejection by the men they most admired and loved, beginning with their fathers, and continuing with their family, peers and society at large.
It is a fairly incontrovertible claim of developmental psychology, that a young person who is exposed to abuse and neglect is at exceedingly high risk for internalizing their maltreatment in the form of deeply held beliefs/assumptions that they are the unworthy of love, that their care takers will not be there for them, and that the world is fundamentally unsafe unless they remain vigilant, and conceal, conform, improve or otherwise change who they are.
Dr. Downs asserts that the wounding rejection gay men face from every direction, at critical periods of development, can dominate their lives from within, in the form of self rejection and overwhelming shame.
Foreclosure and the Crisis Of Meaning:
Dr. Downs asserts that this pervasive toxic shame drives many gay men to compensate in ways that may ultimately deprive them of genuine meaning and contentment.
In other words, the common gay male quest to find solace and validation in sex, partying, and in externalities such as achievement, money and life style leave many gay men feeling empty at later stages of life.
The Road to Contentment:
Dr. Downs posits that resolving this crisis of meaning is about honest and radical authenticity and acceptance, resulting in liberation from the need to "guild shame with the extraordinary."
Dr. Downs observes that the road to contentment is paved with passion, love and integrity.
Passion:
Dr. Downs defines passion in terms of qualities of living and being that engender vitality and give life a sense of direction and meaningful purpose.
Dr. Downs posits that becoming emotionally alive is necessary in order to awaken to our authentic passion for living.
In other words, we have to feel our feelings (pleasant and painful) in order to know what's important.
We have to feel our authentic feelings in order to know if we're going in the right direction or not.
For those of us that have resorted to escape, dissociation or numbing in order to survive our youth (or some other ordeal), and for those of us who developed acute sensitivity to the slightest signs of rejection out of utter existential necessity, we will need to practice feeling our authentic feelings with acceptance and mindfull intentionality in order to gain real emotional clarity and freedom.
Love:
Dr. Downs opines that radical self acceptance and love is a prerequisite condition for recovery from self rejection and shame.
You can't hate yourself forward.
For those of us that believe we are functional only because we drive or selves like slaves.
Imagine trying to teach and motivate a child with violence and cruelty, as opposed to unconditionally loving support and guidance.
For those of us that have internalized harshly negative, disparaging beliefs about or selves, our worthiness of love, and our rightful place in this world, we must practice radical self acceptance, compassion and love in order to simply feel at ease, let alone achieve real excellence and authentic contentment.
Integrity:
Dr. Downs challenges gay men to live with integrity. To live life in a way that is congruent with their authentic values and needs.
For all of us who have sacrificed our self care, or bent ourselves to conform to another's way, or submitted to the wounding injunctions of a cruel, ignorant or indifferent authority, or otherwise acted in conflict with our authentic core values, or simply out of fear, or lack of clarity, we must intentionally identify and bravely pursue lives of real meaning, vitality, liberation and (if you ask me) service.
In Conclusion:
I am confident that there is something essential and good for everyone in this powerful book. I can't recommend it enough. Particularly in these fearful, hopeful times.
Five stars*****