this is the most tender, touching book i have read all year (considering its december 30th, this is quite a solid statement to make), and possibly one of the most tender, touching ones ive read in my whole life.

when i first finished, i felt a little like i still do about On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous (another of the Very Tender And Touching Books that stole my heart): like i was too stupid to make any sort of coherent commentary on it. but with this one, at least i have The Controversy to go off on, which is helpful.

i think we all know why this book is controversial. and my five cents on elio's and oliver's age difference is this: sometimes, people who dont read a lot of fiction, or people who dont do so very critically, tend to judge said fiction as if it were real life. which it is not. in literature, sometimes an author will use a trope or a concept that is controversial, either in spite of the controversy or because of it, because it aids them in driving the point they're trying to make. and when we, as readers, are okay with this controversial trope being used, it does not mean we would condone it in real life (nor would the author, in most cases, and i believe, in this case as well). what we mean when we say we're okay with this trope being used, is that we understand the ways in which it is efficient when it comes to the storytelling, and how it furthens the plot or cements the theme. it is always purposeful.

elio could have just as easily been eighteen, and aciman would have avoided the shitstorm, but the story wouldn't be quite the same: as it is, it is partially about how we dont simply wake up as sexual beings the morning we turn eighteen, and instead, it's a process that starts earlier for some, later for others. in a similar way, i feel it's clear that oliver was never attracted to the aspects of elio that made him underage, but to the ones that made him, at times, feel older than he was. the taboo is a part of it, sure, but its not done in a morbid way -its a resource to drive the theme.

i can also say quite confidently that this is not a book for those who tend to be too literal about things, as it is metaphor heavy. i saw someone one-star it solely because of the peach scene. first of all, what are we, five? and second of all, looking at the peach scene and seeing it as something merely obscene is looking at the title and laughing it its face, as the peach is nothing but one more iteration in which the author exploits the main theme: the idea that we, in our loving somebody, become them, and they become us. (i think the scene works fine in the movie, but cutting the consumption of the peach kind of takes the symbology out of it, and it becomes easier to vanalize).

i really, really like the prose and the pace. it has a stream-of-consciousness quality to it that i really enjoy, and i like the way it circles back and closes on its own. thats the only way i can really describe it. i had to read the book exclusively sitting outside during the sunset, reading it inside would have felt entirely criminal. i didnt chug it, either, because i just felt like i had to chew it and process it as i read. i marked a million quotes that i found absolutely breathtaking, and that i had to go back and read a couple more times just to fully absorb them, so im glad i read this one from a physical copy. it feels very real and genuine, and im left with this ache in my chest that i dont know how to take off. im not the kind of person who gets book hangovers, i usually just jump straight into the next one, but after this one i feel a little like i have to take a breather.

thats all i have to say for now, though maybe ill come back and edit it at some point, who knows. im still chewing, and i still feel a little sad. yes, i did tear up, no, i feel no shame about it.