My memory of this book was in no way as strong as it was with the first two books - sure, the story takes part underground for the most part, Peeta is tortured, then there's an assault on the Capitol. So far, so good. At it's core, those remain the central plot points of this book, and no one would disagree with you, but the depth that lies below that was enough to make me feel woozy at times. Perhaps because I am now in a different place in life than I was when I first read it, maybe because an audiobook is surprisingly good at bringing characters closer to you, through voices and voice-acting.

Suzanne Collins masterfully weaves the horrors of war - propaganda, torture, inequality, violence, death, grief, fear, uncertainty, repeated setbacks, instrumentalization of children and the dead - into a story that was mostly a backdrop to a questionable love triangle. I was taken aback by just how cruel this book is. The full span of horrors happens behind the scenes, because this a book for those age 13 and up. In retrospect, it makes sense that I forgot so much about this book; I was 12 and didn't really understand what was going on. I was probably primarily invested in the lovestory (which I still am at 23, by the way!).

It's a rough ride, it's not fun at all. I read a lot of low rated reviews complaining that Katniss was whiny, depressed, flip-floppy, yada yada yada. Let me tell you: that's life and that's realism. War happens and it leaves scars and the most unrealistic part is that Peeta is back to feeling comfortable about Katniss within a matter of weeks. And people would complain if that hadn't been the case either. I really loved the focus Suzanne Collins put on Katniss being a human being, barely a teenager, who is so manipulated by adults that she can no longer trust the one thing she always knew to be true: her instincts. How she turned into what she feared most, but then understood more than anyone else: a grieving person, unable to move, shackled by depression.

It's so masterfully written, subtle enough to not (re-)traumatize readers, but direct enough to pack a punch. Maybe it's the setting, maybe it's just Suzanne Collins not really having other popular YA books to base her writing on (Battle Royale really isn't a book that deals with consequences, if I remember correctly), but she handles these painful themes more delicately than a lot of teen books about depression and mental health do these days.

Reading The Hunger Games as an adult makes you realize that that's a part of your childhood you wont get back, but that this isn't a loss. It's no longer comforting, because you see just how horrible Katniss' life is (and not just because of the Hunger Games or because she has two hot boys she can't decide between), how hard hope can be to come by. But it's there, even in the smallest spaces (coughs: not the love triangle).