THAT WAS THE BEST FUCKING BOOK I HAVE EVER READ IN A LONG ASS TIME.

PREPARE FOR A LONG WEEPY REVIEW.

Cried? triple check. Laughed? check. Got really depressed and up in my goddamn feelings? check. Sighed so much that I had a contagious sighing disease? check. Swooned? check check check. Got up in my feelings and just realized that I was PMSing but still got in my motherfuckin feelings again? cheeeck.

I WASN'T PREPARED FOR THIS BOOK TO FUCK ME UP THAT MUCH.

Fuck me the fuck up Colleen. Why you gotta do me like that girl? miss me with that heartfelt shit. catch me finishing a box of tissues on the author's note alone. All of Colleen's books were just general sappiness, veeeerrrryyyy romantic love stories with intriguing plots and a delicious recipe of sentimental pasts and futures pacing back and forth between the characters. November 9 was a smasher before i read this. but this... this tops anything i read that talks about relationships. this was beautiful, full of strength and resilience. a fat syringe of pain and compassion and hard decisions, words that sting, tears that leak out of you without a mf warning. I was so engrossed in this book that I actually stayed in bed the whole day just crying and reading and listening to sad Jaymes Young music. this is the realest shit i've read, besides A Million Little Pieces, which is my favorite fuckin book.

Okay, for starters, the moment I met Ryle when he kicked the marine-grade polymer chairs, a little version of me stood on the fattest curl in my brain and said the longest "Oh hell nah". Only that it lasted throughout the whole book. And the noise gradually grew louder, so around the ending of the book, I was fucking deaf. I thought; "nah man, I don't give a shit if he has dem titanic iceberg eyes or has an ego bigger than mine, having a temper ain't cute, bitch, stick to your soft pisces men."

And bitch was I so right, unfortunately.

CAN WE HAVE A MOMENT FOR LILY FUCKIN BLOOM? bitch finally!!!!! A STRONG ASS WOMAN PROTAG!!!! i'm so glad to meet her. i've read the shittiest stories that always put the female protags in weak ass spots and i'm just like.. bitch what? LILY smashed my ass. honestly it was amazing.

the romance was B E A U T I F U L. everything really. the sex, it was so compassionate and intimate and beautiful. how Ryle treated her was a fairytale dream. but when shit hit the fan, he still loved her AND I LOVE HOW IT ACTUALLY SHOWS. i love how we see his guilt, his remorse, her pain and endurance not to break. i love love love how every emotion is shown in this book, purely realistic and heartfelt and just really fucking true. the way we see her make her decisions and decide for herself. her relationship with her mother. her friendship with Allysa. how her flower shop grew and became successful. how she continued to go to work and keep going through it even in her toughest times. how she hid things away from the ones closest to her and then confronted them. her relationship with Atlas and how long it lasted no matter how far apart they were from seeing each other again. shit shit shit everything is this book was really amazing.

HER STRENGTH. HER RATIONALITY. this is the character that you would be proud to have as your favorite. this is the character that you can most likely identify with if you were in the same situation. everything she said/did was how i wanted and more. the book just didn't take the sweet turns i needed and satisfied me and that's it, NO. this book curved in all the right ways, smoothed all the bumps and showed all the cuts from the thorny events. it wasn't just another story. it is The Story™ that I had to tell my mother about and cry with her about. it is the story that speaks the truth with all the ugliness. here are some of my favorite parts;

“For better, for worse?
Fuck.
That.
Shit.
—Lily”

that part made me holler so loud.

“The reasoning is the hardest part of this. It eats at me, little by little, wearing down the strength my hatred lends to me.”

UGH SAY IT COLLEEN SAY ITTTT GIRL. this just shows the pure manipulation of abusive relationships. not just relationships, actually. legit any relation with abuse, whether it's a friendship or an acquaintance. REALLY.

“Preventing your heart from forgiving someone you love is actually a hell of a lot harder than simply forgiving them.”

speechless.

“Just because someone hurts you doesn’t mean you can simply stop loving them. It’s not a person’s actions that hurt the most. It’s the love. If there was no love attached to the action, the pain would be a little easier to bear.”

i ugly cried at this part, like it was really ugly.

"“Sometimes . . . when I’m really missing him . . . I tell myself that maybe it wasn’t that bad. Maybe I could put up with him when he’s at his worst just so I can have him when he’s at his best.”"

fuuuuuuccccccckkkkkkk. FCKFUCKFUCK. as u can tell; i ugly cried in this part too.

“But he’s not loving you the right way. He doesn’t love you the way you deserve to be loved.”

SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BAAAACK. than you Lily's mum. i love you and you deserve the best.

“A tear falls from her eye when she says, “Be that girl, Lily. Brave and bold.”"

favorite thing her mum ever said to her, beside the phrase "i want to be you when i grow up". ugh ugh ugh this book.

“Cycles exist because they are excruciating to break. It takes an astronomical amount of pain and courage to disrupt a familiar pattern. Sometimes it seems easier to just keep running in the same familiar circles, rather than facing the fear of jumping and possibly not landing on your feet.”

this is the main lesson in this book. this is something we have to understand and know. the part where they were in the hospital with Emerson still fresh out the womb... the part were Ryle really sobbed and hugged them both and told her what he would say... that part really fucked me up. my mum and I really just sobbed reading it. (i don't want to say in full detail what happens so i wont spoil a fuck ton). it was one of the rarest and rawest scenes i've ever read in a book. really, wow.

Colleen. you had so much strength for writing such an excruciating piece of art. i can feel all your emotions (and your mother's) in this book. every word said really had hit home and left their print in my heart. this book TOUCHED ME in all painful ways and it was the realest thing i could ever read after my favorite book. THANK YOU for writing this. it helped me in many ways, both in realization and knowledge. no matter how hard and depressing it was for me to read on, i kept going until i got the epilogue as my reward. you're so incredibly brilliant for writing this. i love you. i love this.

if you're contemplating reading this; you're doing a huge mistake in your own favor.