The debut novel of Neel Patel, Tell Me How to Be is an epistolary saga of a mother and a son, both addressing to their first loves. Whether they are writing letters or journal entries, it is not clear, but one thing is — they are unable to forget them and thus have made some terrible mistakes in their lives.

The story follows Renu and Akash, each taking their turn in narrating the story about their past and present, after Renu arranges a family prayer on the occasion of her husband’s first death anniversary. The event brings forth many memories for them, good and bad, and through their narration, we too are entwined in their lives. Renu never actually came to love her husband, Ashok, in the way she loved Kareem, her first love. Akash couldn't come out to his family, especially her mother, and neither could forget Parth, his first love. Now, Renu is leaving the town which was her home since her marriage and is moving back to London. But it might not be that easy for her, for this home holds too many memories for her and her children.

One of the biggest takeaways of this story is probably how our past choices influence our present behaviours and relationships. Akash while struggling with substance use disorder messes up a bunch of his relationships. His childhood experiences of bullying due to his queerness contributes to this disorder along with his family, especially his mother's, view on the same. This whole thing together contributes to his subsequent feelings of shame and disconnection from his family and society. Renu, on the other hand, shows a cold shoulder to everyone around her because of her strong will and the life she never got to live. She displaces her anger and frustration toward her family members, especially her husband. The characters make human mistakes and the story is woven quite cleverly by Patel to take us on a backstory journey of these characters to understand them better.

The themes of homophobia, racism and classism are quite evident and are handled pretty well. There are some particular scenes -- Parth's embarrassment because of his family's accented English, Bijal's comment on Akash that he better not be a gay, Renu thinking about Parth's family status as low since they own a motel, Bijal feeling ashamed of some new Indian in American store because he wasn't able to communicate well -- and more, through which Patel interweaved issues of racism and other oppressions in a very subtle way.

Renu, though written as a character to be sympathised with, hardly made me like her with the choices she made throughout her life and the way she handled Akash. But her wit was on point and she added some great humour to the book. Check out some of my favourite remarks from Renu in the reel. They definitely cracked me up.

My favourite character has to be Ashok, Renu's deceased husband, who we got to know only through Renu and Akash. He seems to be full of confidence, love and energy. And most hated character should be Kareem (if you have read the book, you would know why).

As much as this is a story of complex Indian American family dynamics and secrets, it is about the adult queer man of color's journey, not only about his pain but about his path towards healing too. It's a deeply intimate love letter to 90’s R&B music, food, identity, relationships and unrequited love.