honestly, i can't believe that i'm rating a book about men realizing they were terrible to their gay sons only after said sons were murdered five stars.  but everything about this is so deft, and their growth is so real that you cannot help end up really feeling for two very flawed men who each loved their sons imperfectly.

ike's son isiah was married to buddy lee's son derek.  two months before the bulk of the book takes places, the couple was murdered outside a wine bar.  both ike and buddy lee were estranged from their sons after some time in prison and a lot of homophobia, and the funeral is tense.  but besides their criminal records and shitty outlooks on gay people, ike and buddy lee share one more thing in common - the desire to see their sons' killer brought to justice.  when the investigation stagnates, the two take matters into their own hands.

during the course of the book, ike and buddy are forced to unpack a lot of their prejudices.  ike is a Black man who has no problem calling buddy out on, like, colloquial racism, but it's tougher for him to see how his homophobia has permeated his life.  buddy works through how he stopped thinking about how hurtful the racist and homophobic jokes he tells are after he realized that if he was racist and homophobic, the grandparents he idolized were too, and how could good people like that be so bad?

i think the work the men do is really believable.  they each seemed like they were on the precipice of some begrudging acceptance (each of them talks about how they just didn't """get""" how being gay appealed to their son), and it's a shame that it's the death of their children that incites real change.  but they also acknowledge the same in this, and regret that even if their children were alive to apologize to, there's no number of "i'm sorrys" that could repair the hurt they caused.

this book is full of racism, homophobia, and blatant violence.  none of it is gratuitous, though.  every scene is purposeful and propels the story forward.  incredibly absorbing, you'll want to put it down and find you can't.

CW:

homophobia from parents, racism, racial slurs, homophobic slurs, violence, murder, gun violence, child in danger (child is fine)