“i yearn to know the people i love deeply and intimately—without context, without boxes—and i yearn for them to know me that way, too.”

i have waited for this thrilling memoir to come out the moment i saw the announcement. i was not a huge fan of jennette mccurdy nor did i watched icarly at a young age (yes, this come as a surprise to anyone i have ever told to and frankly, my childhood shows were limited thanks to my asian mama) but she has made quite the name in the spotlight for me not to know who she is as well as her fellow cast members in icarly.

i have always heard and seen that not all child stars grew to be the star they were once destined to be. some were left scarred by the industry they were pushed into too young and against their will (to some). mccurdy was one of them. like many others, she just wanted to make her mother happy. reading through her brutally honest account of her childhood and the things that were going on in the household was truly heartbreaking and bittersweet. it’s a type of environment where everyone is somewhat manipulated that they’re loved but truly it’s just all a mere act in order to benefit the other. her confusion towards everything and yet she still obeys everything her mother put her up to was so heartbreaking to read and no child should go through such pressure against their will just because they “don’t know better”.

i was shocked to have read the horrendous chaos that befalls the set of a child show, controlled by an adult figure mccurdy calls “the creator”. though no names were mentioned, i think we can all assume who since there were plenty allegations towards this “creator” over the years and it was just so sickening that this powerful figure was even allowed within the kids’ range. forcing them to drink underage a.k.a “loosen up”. it’s a no wonder that the trauma mccurdy’s mother has put her through mixed with the trauma of being on set with this horrendous environment around her had lead her to some of her future decision making which includes quitting acting for good. although to some it is a sad one, i’m glad she has taken the time to focus on projects that meant most to her (this book included) and is somewhat helpful towards her healing journey after years of this painful experience that to be quite honest, i can’t imagine what i’d do if i was in her shoes.

i particularly related to her struggle with food. (TW: MENTIONS OF EATING DISORDER) i still do until today. though i’m not at all comfortable speaking of my struggles online especially with matters that i still consider sensitive, i’ll let this quote sum up my relationship with food now that i related to most when i read it in mccurdy’s moving memoir:

“i’m horrified with every pound gained but also feel unable to stop. i have been starving myself for years, and now my body is begging for me to stuff myself.”

it’s definitely a must-read for everyone. mccurdy almost brought me to tears reading through years of hardships and it’s to the point where i feel her being on the edge of self-destruct and yet here she is, standing stronger than ever and i’m glad that she doesn’t regret naming her book as such because after all that she went through, as she should. AS. SHE. FUCKING. SHOULD. jennette mccurdy is an impeccable woman. honest, witty and incredibly charming both individually and creatively. i watched her recent interview for the book’s press and i’m glad to know she has been channelling her creativity into filmmaking more so than acting but is considering stepping back into that spotlight she has once left definitely. but whatever she decides to do next, i’m excited to support her creative works in any way i could.

twitter ☆ instagram ☆ booktube

—

[upon finishing]

review to come. jennette mccurdy, you make me want to claim my rightful life back. thank you.