This book had been an acid trip that I was desperate to end but couldn't help reading till the very end. It was a book that had made me squirmed and felt the need to repent for something I did not do. It was a book that made me stared at the ceiling for some time or other and wondered, "how the actual heck this book came to be." And it did. And even putting a 4.25 star read to this makes me feel squeamish.

I beg. This is not a book that I will casually tell someone to read. No. Its not a book for everyone, and it will definitely leave you scarred for good. And you should definitely hate with every single cell of your body on what the narrator had done. Its vile, its disgusting and it makes you question yourself multiple times why the heck are you continuing with this book.

But there it is everyone. When you say if you want to do something, better go big or go home. And oh boy did Rijneveld wrote this in the most effed up way possible but the proses done so splendidly well.

We follow our narrator, a vet who does rounds at the local farm and became obsessed with one of the farmer's daughter. Looking through the point-of-view from the narrator himself, in an almost journal-memoir form of his feelings, we follow the transgression of his relationship and the downfall of two beings. A story, in which from its very core is the repercussions of abuse, is a story of two broken individuals, in which, they should not have found any bond, but did, and how the act in itself had affected not just the individuals but the people around them as well. Its the story of the aftermath of constant abuse - in multiple settings and different fonts - and a form of love that should never ever ever ever be acted upon.

There is almost a suspense element to the story, where we are anxious to follow the narrator and his spiralling. Reading about an unreliable narrator will always do that to you. But this one? It had made me praying and hoping, so, so badly, for his desires for the girl to go away. (but then again, that's wishful thinking). And paired with Rijneveld, long-winded proses, it leaves you almost breathless at times and suffocating to a point that I almost vomited at some pages. The impending horror knowing that this man - whom at the back of his mind - knew something was amiss, and that whatever his doing is indeed wrong, as each of the progression of their relationship escalated makes you dread the pages as you go.

Besides the proses, I feel that the writing for Rijneveld, with his ode to Lolita, to the references in pop culture at the time, makes it very Dutch. From the setting to even the references from different personas in history, we go through the farms of Netherlands through the narrator's gaze. And somehow, reading this almost like a fevered dream of sorts - but almost more of a nightmare.

Also, besides the cruelties of the unfolding of the events itself, Rijneveld has shown the aftermaths of the grooming and sexual act itself will impact more on the women, and not just the girl that was abused, but also the people around the narrator. Its almost like a theatre of sorts, where when the climax unfolds, everything around the said person (victim) is affected, from their livelihoods and to the society around them.

I felt that Rijneveld had done such an excellent job of portraying the domino effect of a heinous act. Where, even the predator feels that its an act of love, to the people affected, including the society around them, and the events that had unfold one bye one to further cement in regards to the act itself. That it is vile and horrendous. And that ladies and gentleman, to me, is how you write a story, in its most terror and horror but also, the symbolism that Rijneveld applied in the book makes it a very eye opening read.

No child has to go through such abuse. And, although the narrator had gone through a horrendous and most disgusting upbringing, that no one wishes upon anyone, it should not be a reason for the said person to look for love in places that they should not seek for in the first place. It is devastating to see how one childhood's trauma, can lead to another, in which the cycle will never break.

Again, not a book that I will tell everyone to read, but proceed at your own cost. Rijneveld is an author that I will definitely put on my radar - his writing is def something else.

Thank you to Times Reads for this copy! I truly appreciate it