It was maybe a "this is too real" time to try and read this novel. But, I'd been waiting for it at the library and it came in and I have been wanting to read it so, I went for it anyways. ANd it was hard, and heavy, and emotional and, as expected, much too real. And for all that, I'm really glad that I read it. 

Ooooof this book was heartbreaking. Like for real, horribly, beautifully, aptly titled. A heartfelt set of "letters" from our narrator, Bessem, to her (lost) love, Fatima. These two women live in a country (Cameroon), where queer relationships are punishable by law. After Fatima's older brother finds out about the depth of their relationship, and a police raid at a local gay bar, Fatima disappears. Bessem doesn't know if she's run away, jailed, sent away by her family, dead...and she spends years both not knowing and afraid to look into it further. 

This narration, addressed to Fatima (in a sort of meandering conversational style, like one writing to a pen pal), traces their story through Bessem's eyes, from their first sighting of each other through dating and marriage, the night that ended it all, and the years since, as Bessem leads a quiet life as a professor, sometimes dating other women, but never moving on from Fatima. The tangibleness of the stories and memories and all the shared moments, big and small, tender and at odds, make their relationship so real, for the reader. It's the exact same things that make any love story...extraordinary in their unremarkableness. So full of that everyday stuff that makes a life.

The slight mystery that loosely frames this reflective storytelling style, that of what really happened to Fatima, provides just enough plot to keep things moving. And, while it shouldn't be a surprise based on the title (and cover design....omg that cover hits), the ending is devastating for all that you spend the entirety of the short novel knowing it's coming. My heart broke over and over while reading, not just for that ending, but also for all the shame and fear and hiding and hate that persist and permeate throughout. 

Again, it was maybe a little too real for the current state of the US "government," but an absolutely necessary and important story, gorgeously written. Well worth the emotional turmoil it puts you through.

“Being with someone you only half like is better than being alone…”

 “The world can force you to live a lie, but ostracizing your kind for public approval is a personal choice.”