Laugh, and the world laughs with you;
Weep, and you weep alone;
For the sad old earth must borrow its mirth,
But has trouble enough of its own.
-Ella Wheeler Wilcox

I wanted to tell him that if I knew the numbers of all the McDonald's meals I'd shoot myself.

She could have been way less attractive and still have been plenty attractive enough for me. Know what I mean?

You take the first sip. (water purifier through the sand from the commodes)

Because men will do anything-anything!-to get away from their families and drink beer. Ice fishing proves it.

...next to a dark, dank shower where molds of the world were on exhibit.

Sometimes I got the feeling that God protects those who imbibe. But why? (boaters)
This was exhilarating, about as exhilarating as life would ever get now that I think back on it.

Do with your knees what you please, but keep your thighs a surprise.

I don't buy free-floating fear. (security measures advertised)
Blue Book value of an open bag of Cheetos.

The Armadillo - BG
The armadillo is an ugly thing,
Unlike the song bird it does not sing,
It won't do tricks in your yard,
It just lies around...and is hard.

So, I stayed in ROTC, and consequently became the only person I knew who went to Vietnam.

Hoffman Estates on clock noting different time zones in the suburbs at the small Suburban Trib newspaper he worked at.

When you bury me, pour some scotch on the grave-and don't let it pass through you first.