this was less horror story and more a plot to creatively murder the author's most-hated high school quarterback.

my 90s romcom brain is spinning.

the quarterback invited the author to senior prom but never showed, leaving them to wait by the door all night, boutonnière in hand. ten years later, the author is at their high school reunion furiously clutching a plastic cup of cheap white wine and glaring at said quarterback flirting around the party in expensive slacks.

yet, not in keeping with 90s romcoms, murder is in the air. the author spends the entire length of edwin mccaine's "i'll be" plotting more and more creative ways to cut and gut and burn the quarterback out of existence. what results is this book, tah dah!

of note, if you enjoy reading metaphors folded into an entire thesaurus, this is for you.

also of note, the haunted ghost house's smell is once described as that of cardamom and mildew and menstrual flow. it is never explained why, but one can speculate. i hope this will now haunt you as it haunts me.