Have you ever loved a book so much that you just felt hollow, empty and bursting with emotions all at the same time?

I did. I felt it with this book.

It took me awhile to write out my thoughts on this book. Albeit short, it was a read that was compact and filled with the most necessary notions of each characters. Best believe that I had bawled my eyes out multiple times in the span of a few pages.

If I can summarize one word to represent this book, its like a rainbow.
Its about hope, its about a boy that deemed to have no emotions but all his actions were laced with feelings, its about friendship of two odd boys who found solace in one another, its about a mother's love and its about the mix of characters that somehow complements one another. A rainbow signifies hope after the dark thunderclouds, spreading light ultimately when things were at the darkest. This was what the book is for me. Hope for the boy who felt out of place in this world, hope for the boy who only craved love of his own, hope for the mother who wanted his son to be accepted in this cruel some world, hope for the doctor who to outlive his guilt in life and hope for everyone reading this book to find their own light.

Thank you Times Reads for providing me a review copy of the book.

Disclaimers: All my reviews are my thoughts of the book and according to my personal preferences. Even though I had received a review copy, it does not affect my review and honest thoughts for the book.

Personal Ratings: Owns my Whole Heart

I never knew a book less than 300 pages is bursting with so much emotions. Its of individuals with monsters hidden within their layers. Even the prologue had gotten me bursting into tears.

“This story is, in short, about a monster meeting another monster. One of the monsters is me."

Heartwarming, Achingly Beautiful, A Read That Touches Your Heart in the Simplest Ways

Short Summary
This is a story from the perspective of Yunjae, a boy who was diagnosed with Alexithymia. Unable to perceive pain, emotions, and feelings, Yunjae lives his life to become what the social norm expects to be normal. This is a story of Yunjae and his growth, of the people that came in his life and left a big impact, of Yunjae's narrative in making big decisions, of friendships and love and of discovering your own self and the portrayal of the monsters that society has created.

My Feelings
I think whatever I write here is an injustice towards the book. The writing is short, compact and very straightforward, but somehow, every sentence touches pieces of your heart and leaves you either aching in pain or provided warmth to your heart. Its a book that you'll remember at random moments of your day, the details making you smile or leaves a tear. Its a book that has captured my whole heart entirely.

To make it easier for me to write out my feelings as I know I'll get emotional writing this, I'll highlight some parts that are significant; at least for me while reading this.

✨The Format✨
The first thing that I noticed from the book itself is the format. It was interesting that there are blank pages in this book and I relate this to how Yunjae thinks and his train of thought in perceiving emotions. Its interesting how someone who was not able to feel emotions try to understand someone's else feelings. Due to this, Yunjae grew up to become a very observant person, one that can detect even the slightest change of someone's elses behaviour

“I couldn't grasp that all these things meant something specific, that there was an implication behind each action. I just took things at face value."

Since he cannot fathom what emotion it is, he observes the body language and the person's behaviour. This made Yunjae somehow a person that is bursting with more emotion than someone else and its interesting in how the format of the book goes as its somehow showing how he compartmentalises his feelings and emotions. There were pages that it will be continuous and there will be chapters that suddenly have blank pages which I somehow relate to how Yunjae feels at the time.

“Books were different. They had lots of blanks. Blanks between words and even between lines. I could squeeze myself in there and sit, or walk, or scribble down my thoughts. It didn't matter if I had no idea what the words meant."

✨The Setting✨
The way Yunjae relates to books makes me smile so hard. His family has a secondhand bookshop that he helps tend to every now and then, and I love how it was a safe haven for him. The little shop had become his own solace as how he feels he can understand books more rather than movies.

“Books took me to places I could never go otherwise. They shared the confessions of people I'd never met and lives I'd never witnessed. The emotions I could never feel, and the events I hadn't experienced could all be found in those volumes. They were completely different by nature from TV shows or movies."

The way he talks about books and his bookstore-home always makes me smile. The fact that his narrative seems naive and simple but yet coming from someone with no emotions, his words contains a lot of it.

✨The Relationship of The Characters✨
The exploration of relationship between characters shows the growth of each individual in this book. Every person has their own story, and its interesting how the author puts out two very different boys, but somehow can relate with one another. One shows no emotions or whatsoever, and another shows his anger with his emotions. The two dynamics of these characters had made me laughed, smiled and teared up. I like how the author puts out this two characters and shows the readers their progression.

✨A Mother's Love✨
When I read this book, I had done a small buddy reading session with my friends and one of the questions that came up during our discussion was this.

“"If you were to be Yunjae's mom, what would you do."

The answer is pretty simple to be honest. You don't really know, unless you've become a parent yourself. The author had also noted about this in her notes of how she would react if her child were to be like that. I like that she had explored this topic of motherhood in here too. The topic was not only told from the perspective of Yunjae's mom but of two other mom's in here as well. Each with their own sacrifice and stories and how they act is how they feel is best for their child to survive in the cruel world. Some may question Yunjae's mom actions, but I can somehow understand where she's coming from, but at the end of the day, we have to remember that a child can and needs to fight their own demons someday.

“Love, according to mom's actions was nothing more than nagging about every little thing, with teary eyes, about how one should act such and such in this and that situation. If that was love, I'd rather neither give nor receive any."

The book had managed to potray two different sides of love. One is of survival and wanting the child to be able to mingle with society and one is of longing love, of the manifestation of guilt and both perspectives had broke my heart. A mother's love was one that is unconditional and knows no boundaries and it will somehow shape the person they will be, from the excessive or lack of it.

“Gon would think that life was like having your mom hold your hands on moment, warm and safe, then suddenly drop them with no explanation. No matter how hard he tried to grab hold, he was always abandoned in the end."

✨How Human someone can become if you treat them the same✨
Main MVP here is Dr Shim. I love how he treats Yunjae, not as a patient that needs to be symphatised, but more on treating him as how a normal person be treated. He satiates his curiosity, answers Yunjae's questions with facts and asks him for his own opinion. It shows how he had actually helped Yunjae to develop his own thoughts and not restricted from what he was "engineered" and "programmed" since he was younger.


✨Overall✨

If someone asks me to summarize this book in one sentence, I'd say its the Exploration of Emotions, but that would do injustice to the book. Its more than just that. Its a book that explores the human's heart, the society's acceptance in accepting something that is out of normal, the warmth of a family, the struggles of mothers, exploration of human's relationship and a story of two boys that is so different but yet they can relate with one another. Its a story that is poignant but also beautifully written and I will definitely recommend everyone to pick this up, at least once in their life.
It leaves room for a lot of discussion and certainly, as the author wrote in her note:

“Children are born everyday. They all deserve blessings and to have every possibility open to them. But some of them will grow up to be social outcasts, some will rule and command but with twisted minds. Some, although very few, will succeed against all odds and grow into people who touch hearts."

Its a book on growth, and you'll feel like watching a child grow up as the story was told since he was young. The children in here has definitely taken my whole heart, and I hope when you pick this up, it will touch your hearts too.