“Like a flower that falls as a little raindrop brushes by / You say those words like it’s nothing to you.”

I still remember that evening, four years ago, when I heard the news that Kim Jonghyun took his own life. Some people were saying, "He's not dead yet, the doctors haven't confirmed it", while others said, "He was confirmed dead just now". Amidst all that confusion about what to believe and what to not, what the hope for and what to not, the 13-year old me processed the suddenness of death for the very first time. It was, perhaps, his death that prepared me for all the loss I would encounter as the days go by.

I found myself being unable to listen to any of his songs in the years that followed, or even watch any videos he was in. In all the SHINee songs I loved dearly, his voice would be there, distinctly gorgeous, so smeared with emotions. But of course, as time sprinted on, the pain reduced and the music just became music again. 2021, I think, is the first time the SHINee members started talking about him more openly and freely since his death in 2017. With that, they showed they have moved on with him in their hearts, and maybe that affirmation helped me transfer his memories from that of pain to that of love. So I thought, what better time is there to read his book?

“A person’s heart is truly deceitful, you know. While it does not belong to me, I long to own it, yet in reality, when I do get my hands on it, it starts to wither like a plucked flower.”

And so I did. It was a short, smooth read about heartbreak, longing, loneliness, and love. It was about a man and a woman whose 5 years worth of love had dried out like unwatered flower petals. As they processed the end of their love with feelings that lingered and memories that oppressed, the man and the woman navigated through their daily lives as normally as they could. Eventually, they managed to let go of each other, bid the emotional farewell which is much more difficult than the physical one. This whole process, so full of longing and grappling with reality, was depicted so beautifully, so rawly. It was wonderful to read.

“Such as the ocean returns to stillness after a sweeping storm, the woman’s heart seemingly shaking non-stop, too, quieted down. She could not know when that would abruptly change again, but for now, she was alright. He was, slow and surely, being erased from her.”

This book was written in such simple prose, yet it pulled every string in my heart. At times, it was calming to read, other times comforting. Like a pat in the back that it's okay to take a break when things are too hard. I have never been in love nor have I ever went through a breakup, but my empathy and Jonghyun's poetic writing was deep enough for me to feel their pain. Perhaps it would have clutched my heart more if I had gone through those experience, but this is enough for now. What he wanted to say has reached me, and I couldn't be more grateful.

“Hm······ I think about loneliness. It’s a little past two and a half in the morning, then it’s too late to start a conversation with anyone, so I lament that.”

The loneliness depicted in this book is what resonated with me the most. Through the radio show runner and the man, two different sides of loneliness was shown—the healthy one and the unhealthy one. I found myself in both of them. Sometimes I embrace it as an inherent part of my existence, other times I desperately try to crawl away from it's periphery. And the fact that this was the kind of loneliness Jonghyun too, like most of us, must have felt reminded me once again just how important it is to always reach out to the people you love and care about.

Skeleton Flower: Things That Have Been Released and Set Free, is a window to a deep corner of Jonghyun's heart, one that the world failed to see until it was too late. I see him in a new glow now, with a deeper understanding than before, and while I will never know him fully, I know he was a good man. He had a good heart, one filled with music and love and kindness. I hope he will be remembered with the same. Truly a lost gem of the Korean music industry, but a gem nonetheless, that will remain precious for as long as songs exist.

To end this review, here is one of my most favorite excerpts from one of the poems in this book.

“If you’re still embarrassed of showing me all your wounds, then please just hug me tightly.

Even if I don’t see your scars, I want to feel them through your skin to know you entirely, and I believe so do you.”