It feels crazy to want to put a nauseating book so hard on a pedestal. And yet I will.
It's always great to sometimes get that rare feeling from a book that you know "this is something I'll be talking about and thinking about for a while." My dark Vanessa is, I think, one of the most controversial books I have ever read. It describes the complexities of abuse, childhood trauma and processing them. This book absorbed me so hard that I don't know if I can still objectively take in every act, age difference or confession.

"My dark Vanessa" is mainly a book about an English teacher who 'grooms' his 15-year-old student Vanessa. The story also begins quite immediately where you may swallow large lumps in your throat from discomfort as soon as you read the first 5 pages. It is an interplay between the present and past perspective where Vanessa experiences the constant consequences of her abuse (which she herself does not yet acknowledge as abuse). She insists that the relationship between her 42-year-old teacher and 15-year-old self was a love affair. Vanessa's character is also, I think, a clear reflection of the most standard person in their teenage years. Didn't we all want to feel a bit 'seen'? And weren't we all very sensitive to this phenomenon when it came from an authoritarian figure? All in all, this is the phenomenon Vanessa was subjected to. We are also confronted with the fact that Vanessa sees the origin of events between them as her 'fault' (which is a super relative term in this book). For example, she says "Does that feel good? Does that make me happy? My eyelids flutter as his hand moves up my thigh. He lives to please me. Even if we end up apart, right now, he worships me - his dark Vanessa. That should be enough. I'm lucky to have this, to be so loved." So this brings out quite a few controversial perspectives and statements in this book which made me angry sometimes. However, I am very glad that I also saw the other side of trauma and abuse, namely that not everything always falls within the picture as everyone wants to see it.
Kate Russell does a sterling job with her writing style and structure. This one is so goddamn phenomenal that it is immediately clear what she is referring to & that is the naivety of almost every underage girl/person. Also, throughout the story, you come to understand why Vanessa falls for Strane & why exactly she is also so blind to his cunning techniques. In short, you learn to realise through this book how ‘casual’ abuse can start.

I would like to discuss so many other things about this story, but then I guess that's open for discussion ;). Also, I think this book is definitely not recommended for everyone. It's not just the heated topics that can come in tremendously, but I think especially the controversy in the story can make it very difficult for some to plough through this. In any case, the book is something it's best to read TWs of & maybe also best to read some reviews (without spoilers perhaps) about it beforehand :) )