Autism representation in a way I haven't seen before.

So I have read plenty of books with Autism representation and enjoyed most of them. One issue that I have with some though is that my Autism is usually a bit more disabling than most characters in books. In my experience most books have Autistic characters showing level 1 Autism. In the Netherlands we don't use levels so personally I'm not diagnosed with a level, but with me living in a 24/7 care institute for managing my Autism I would say I'm somewhere around level 2. I haven't found any kind of person like me on that regard in books before. Most Autistic protagonists live on their own if they're adults and manage their daily life without needing to speak social workers daily. They don't have meltdowns that need professional intervention else they don't go away. And that's okay, those Autistic people definitely exist and deserve their representation too. But representation with someone like me I haven't seen before I read this book.

This book, is one big exception and made me feel incredibility seen. The main character of this book has self destructive stims. Stims they can't hold back even if they try. And I don't do those myself anymore, I very much used to in my childhood. Seeing that on page, humanized in a way that makes it just a part of Autism and not something infantalizing, made me feel at home in this book from the start. 
One thing in the Autism representation that also really stood out to me is that you can read the character getting stuck on mental things. I struggle with this the most myself in my daily life, that I just don't understand things, even with multiple explanations by brain can't grasp it. But also getting stuck on thoughts and spiraling from there was something that very much happened in the book. These scenes were both beautiful and painful to read. It was like a big mirror in front of me that made me understand myself better from an outward perspective which was nice, but also a big confrontation with my own limits. It was good, but definitely hard as well.

Outside of the Autism representation the book is very much about moving on from a relationship that ended. I read a lot of romance books where the whole plot is basically the opposite, so for a change seeing the aftermath when things don't work out was beautiful in it's own way. Breaking up with your partner is messy and can leave you unmoored for a long while and this book showed all sides of that struggle. The main character was living his own life but kept relating everything back to their partner and just wasn't able to mentally move on. Seeing him slowly work through his feelings made me look back on my own breakups and how I might not have handled those all the best. And to be honest in the book it also isn't handled the best, this stuff is messy. But following this journey was an amazing read.

Concluding this book was a refreshing read with Autism representation in a way I really needed.


I received an eARC from Netgalley and this was my honest review.