A part semi-memoir and self-help, which I'd say more on the deep dive of a person who is going through depression. Thoughts from the author and her conversations with her psychiatrist, its the in-depth dive of a person that is struggling and of seeking help when needed.

Personal Ratings : 4.75🌟

I don't usually rate non-fiction books, but in this case, I would rate it as in a way, its like diving down into the deep parts of myself.

For starters, I would like to warn everyone who is currently going through what the author is going through, this book might be too much, and might be too triggering at some points. These are in depth thoughts of the author going through a spiral, digging into the deepest parts of herself, and you might see yourself reflected in these conversations, and therefore, please read and heed this book with caution. Take breaks if you need as I did cause it can be too much at times.

Personal Thoughts

Firstly I would like to applaud the author for actually making herself bare to the world, in order to help someone else. Conversations with a professional are always confidential and it takes guts to actually put it out for people to read and judge from the pages of a book. In some ways, I might not call it a self-help book, but more on for others to actually understand and emphatize what goes on in a person's mind that is diagnosed with a mood disorder.

Being professionally diagnosed myself, and not that something that I'm proud on, I relate to some of the worries of the author. Whilst every person's thoughts spirals in its own way, the one thing everyone with mood disorders have in common is how they think of something small to the very extreme. Wether its your looks or your body or your personality, there is always that extreme anxiety manifested from the back of your mind that does not turn off. The author had shown how unlikeable she can be, how she sees herself and how she hated herself to a point that feels suffocating.

Often in cases like these, and even in normal circumstances, whenever a person is going through a rough time, you'll always feel that loneliness, that in a way, you're the only one feeling this way. What makes this book comforting was how we are somewhat comforted in knowing that there others who felt the same way, and in that sense, you felt less alone; which; eventho the book is mildly depressing, it serves a sense of comfort to some people.

I also liked how the author talked about codependency to her medication , and in her case alcohol, as it serves a passageway for her to forget about her problems. Antidepressants are a weird thing, and honestly, I felt so much relieve that I'm not the only person who felt it. The author had shown the good sides of taking medication but also how the side effects makes your mind a bit more muddled. Its a constant battle with yourself and it makes it tiring sometimes. Its always the question of, "You don't want to be dependant to your medications but also the same thoughts of "But this medications calms my brain down . Its so realistic that it pains me a bit but I liked that she puts out her struggles with her medication, and shows to the world that even with meds, it won't solve your problems. The thing that you'll have to do is always evaluate what you feel at the time.

All in all, the book is packed with emotions and also the deep thoughts of a person that wants to be better and wants to see the best outcome in life. No one asked to be depressed. Everyone wants to be normal. Quoting from my fav author Sayaka Murata, "What is normal anyway? Normal is a type of madness, isn't it? All my life I have struggled with that word , and I feel that others felt the same too. We are pressured with being confined to society's standards of "normal" that it puts an unnecessary pressure on ourselves, and this book helped me in a way to clarify what I already believe in, which is, everyone's normal is different, and at the end of the day, its up to us as an individual with colours of our own to live and shape our lives as we see fit.

This book is depressing at the very best, but it comforted me in every sense too. Some might hate it, because it reflects their emotions too much and others find solace in it. What I can say, this is a book that opens up doors to conversations of mental health and the pressure especially to the youths of our time have to face. It opens doors to opportunities to seek professional help and see mental health in a different light, and for whats worth, I'm thankful that the author had put out her work to the world, and thankful to the translator for doing such a great job translating it.

Recommended, but please proceed with cautions.

Biggest thank you to Pansing Distributions (@definitelybooks) for providing me this ARC copy of the book