one of those books that i absolutely adored but never want to reread 

I’m not sure what to say about this one. I want to call it ‘gorgeous’, a word I typically use for books I like, but in this instance that is the wrong word to use. I’m not even sure if ‘like’ is the right word as I spent quite a lot of it in despair for the protagonist. But this book sure took me on a ride and I was absolutely on board for every turn it took.

This is a book about love, lust, obsession and hate. It’s visceral and doesn’t hold back - definitely watch out for trigger warnings on this one as there are some exceptionally brutal moments. 

An unnamed protagonist falls head over heels with a beautiful but quite damaged man named Ciaran. He’s a very powerful presence and she falls completely under his spell. The more we follow the relationship, the more we begin to see the pair of them unravel in their own ways. He is controlling and manipulative; she is desperate to please and self-destructive. A terrible combination… 

I really enjoyed Nolan’s writing style. I loved it’s honestly and rawness. It’s one of the more accurate depictions I’ve read of living with extremely low self esteem. Parts of this just spoke to me; it’s one of those novels in which I used page markers fairly thoroughly. I liked how absolutely all of the characters (with the exception of Lisa, who doesn’t appear much) are morally grey. 

Speaking of grey, I also felt this to be a poignant exploration into the grey areas around sex and consent; with frequent references to times in which she didn’t want, but acquiesced to, her partner’s persistent demands despite saying no initially. This coupled with her increasingly alarming sexual habits paints quite a nasty but sadly common image and says a lot about male dominance and female commodification. I know this isn’t exactly new in literature, but I’ve not read of it such a disturbing light before. It needs talking about more openly.

It was a fairly short read, made to feel even shorter by the snapshot nature of this novel. Each ‘chapter’ is no more than 5 pages, and frequently only half a page, making for a book that is easily devoured in a day. Sadly I read this during a ‘slump’ period so it took considerably longer… however, I do believe that a book that can get a person out of a slump is always very impressive, and that’s exactly what happened here.

Overall, I would absolutely recommend - but as mentioned, please take note of trigger warnings first… 

This book...oh, my God. She's short, but she packs a fucking punch. "Acts of Desperation" follows an unnamed narrator who on the first page meets a man and falls into a "brief, all-consuming" romance with him before he abruptly dumps her. She resolves to get him back and keep him by any means necessary, even if it means degrading and destroying herself.

The writing in this book is so beautiful and harsh at the same time. I highlighted so much in this book, such a range of lines: lines that I related to, lines that I thought were interesting, lines that made this character make sense to me (because she often did not, which made her seem painfully real).

Through this narrator's voice, the reader is exposed to her confessional, her literal desperation for male attention and male love, her love addiction, her mental illness. The way at times, this man she claimed to love so fully did not even seem like someone she liked, and yet she simply couldn't be without him- without *someone* in general - God. You have a front row seat to all of it and it is sometimes so brutal that one must set the book down and just decompress.

However, in the brutality of this narrative, there are moments so poignant and relatable that I couldn't get my highlighter/pen cap off fast enough to highlight or annotate. There were parts of this that also felt too smart for me, things that didn't and do not make sense to me still, and I don't know if that's because I'm not smart enough or if it's just a reflection of what a mess this character is?

Overall, obviously, I loved this. I loved the commentary and chronicling of this woman's case of love addiction & other things throughout that I won't mention at the risk of giving things away inadvertently.

i wish i didn’t find parts of this so relatable 

 "I made mistakes like this all the time, seeking affirmation from the very worst people, so that what I must have been after deep down was confirmation of the fears instead of their dismissals"

i am absolutely convinced that you do not need to love the main character to enjoy a book, the only condition being that it has been done well and i must say that this book did it almost perfectly.

would i enjoy being in company of such awful people ? absolutely not, not in a million years but it isn’t the point !! the only place i would want to meet up with them is maybe the waiting room of a therapist, because God knows they need it 😃

nothing about this story is romantic, both characters have extremely distorted visions of what love and affection is supposed to look like : we have on one part an unnamed narrator who engage in obsessive behaviours to be loved and on the other part an incredibly cold man, Ciaran, who seems unable to provide her with even the most elementary bit of affection.

it was visceral, raw and dark, very much so even, but it still felt real despite everything which makes this story so compelling. i struggled to put this book down because of how engrossed i was in it and the shortness of the chapters sure helped a lot achieve this ! i can have the attention span of a goldfish sometimes so this was very welcomed.

the part about eating disorders resonated with me in a way i wish it didn’t *cough cough* but hey i liked it and it felt really honest.

if you need one more thing to convince you (or to discourage you, but then i probably don't like you very much 🤨), this felt like a Sally Rooney book but on a little more than two bottles of wine and maybe some lines of coke

I have so much to say about this book I don’t know how to write a comprehensive review of it… it’s so brilliant, honest and the writing gets better as the book goes on.  It’s such a thorough examination of the darkness of many women’s experience of their own sexuality and how their identity is shaped by it, through internalised misogyny and infantilisation. I can’t believe it’s her debut and cannot wait to read what she writes in the future.

"In these moments I knew that if I could be smaller, smaller, less and less, if I could be tidied, then he would love me fully and properly; and that anybody - oh, everybody - would."

this book has a raw and at times uncomfortable portrayal of obsession and codependency. the unnamed main character reduces herself, her memories, feelings, and needs in order to please a man, and to become as inconvenient and small as she can be, in the hopes that it will make her lovable.

i went into this expecting it to be a book that had a scary portrayal of obsession, but finished it feeling more understood than ever (don't get me wrong, not the obsessive part :D i'm not crazy) because this author has a way of putting very uncomfortable and unique situations women go through in words and ways that i would've never thought possible. the universal experience of being a woman and trying to fit into molds people impose on you, with the promise of love and acceptance for doing so... sexual-trauma, toxic upbringings, problems with self-image and food, self-loathing and emotional abuse... i think every woman i know is familiar with at least one of these things, and this book makes your feelings very seen and heard.

not only the portrayal of a toxic relationship, with its high and lows, manipulation, and gaslighting, was done perfectly, but also the internal dialogue of going through a situation like that. this author puts into words feelings we all feel but are ashamed of admitting so, and it shocked me how relieving it was to know i was not alone in such thoughts. you understand the main character, not because you're going through that situation, but because the writing of her internal conflicts is so so so well-done that you almost wish you could help her. it is less about obsession than it is about codependency and feeling like you can't survive if you're alone.

i debated whether to give this five stars, but ultimately decided not to. it is not a plot-driven book, and the pace is quite slow, but it was incredibly relatable. i ultimately felt like it was missing something, though the ending was very very nice and comforting. i loved this book so much, and i think it's one of my favorites now.