i wish i didn’t find parts of this so relatable 

"In these moments I knew that if I could be smaller, smaller, less and less, if I could be tidied, then he would love me fully and properly; and that anybody - oh, everybody - would."

this book has a raw and at times uncomfortable portrayal of obsession and codependency. the unnamed main character reduces herself, her memories, feelings, and needs in order to please a man, and to become as inconvenient and small as she can be, in the hopes that it will make her lovable.

i went into this expecting it to be a book that had a scary portrayal of obsession, but finished it feeling more understood than ever (don't get me wrong, not the obsessive part :D i'm not crazy) because this author has a way of putting very uncomfortable and unique situations women go through in words and ways that i would've never thought possible. the universal experience of being a woman and trying to fit into molds people impose on you, with the promise of love and acceptance for doing so... sexual-trauma, toxic upbringings, problems with self-image and food, self-loathing and emotional abuse... i think every woman i know is familiar with at least one of these things, and this book makes your feelings very seen and heard.

not only the portrayal of a toxic relationship, with its high and lows, manipulation, and gaslighting, was done perfectly, but also the internal dialogue of going through a situation like that. this author puts into words feelings we all feel but are ashamed of admitting so, and it shocked me how relieving it was to know i was not alone in such thoughts. you understand the main character, not because you're going through that situation, but because the writing of her internal conflicts is so so so well-done that you almost wish you could help her. it is less about obsession than it is about codependency and feeling like you can't survive if you're alone.

i debated whether to give this five stars, but ultimately decided not to. it is not a plot-driven book, and the pace is quite slow, but it was incredibly relatable. i ultimately felt like it was missing something, though the ending was very very nice and comforting. i loved this book so much, and i think it's one of my favorites now. 

 I fell head over heels immediately with the main character and her flaws and I did not want her to leave my side. As she isn't named in the book I will refer to her as M.

M is deeply troubled on many levels but she is acutely aware of this. The book chronicles her journey with many challenges including self harm, alcoholism, body image issues and toxic and abusive relationships. This book is painful and honest and raw and is one that will stay with me for a while. Nolan weaves the story so gently and carefully that subtleties of the toxic occurrences roll over you slowly as you progress through.

While this is a book with a lot of heavy hitting topics there is a sense of hope and growth that slowly builds throughout. I definitely was able to see certain aspects of myself in M and am sure many others will feel that closeness.

I listened to the book as an audiobook and it worked perfectly as it is mainly a monologue of sorts. The narrator's voice and flow suited perfectly and it is already one of my top audiobooks of 2021.