i wish i didn’t find parts of this so relatable 

 "I made mistakes like this all the time, seeking affirmation from the very worst people, so that what I must have been after deep down was confirmation of the fears instead of their dismissals"

i am absolutely convinced that you do not need to love the main character to enjoy a book, the only condition being that it has been done well and i must say that this book did it almost perfectly.

would i enjoy being in company of such awful people ? absolutely not, not in a million years but it isn’t the point !! the only place i would want to meet up with them is maybe the waiting room of a therapist, because God knows they need it 😃

nothing about this story is romantic, both characters have extremely distorted visions of what love and affection is supposed to look like : we have on one part an unnamed narrator who engage in obsessive behaviours to be loved and on the other part an incredibly cold man, Ciaran, who seems unable to provide her with even the most elementary bit of affection.

it was visceral, raw and dark, very much so even, but it still felt real despite everything which makes this story so compelling. i struggled to put this book down because of how engrossed i was in it and the shortness of the chapters sure helped a lot achieve this ! i can have the attention span of a goldfish sometimes so this was very welcomed.

the part about eating disorders resonated with me in a way i wish it didn’t *cough cough* but hey i liked it and it felt really honest.

if you need one more thing to convince you (or to discourage you, but then i probably don't like you very much 🤨), this felt like a Sally Rooney book but on a little more than two bottles of wine and maybe some lines of coke

I have a soft spot for the genre of writing I have dubbed ‘Hot Mess Millennial fiction’ - books written from the point of view of women, usually in there early twenties to early thirties; who are riddled with anxiety/low self esteem and depressive tendencies; who are often isolated from their families in some way ; who cope with these issues through a constant series of poor decisions and self destructive habits; who tend to underachieve in their professional live; and end up within dysfunctional and toxic relationships with friends,colleagues and romantic partners. There are a number of much lauded books that have been published recently which fit into this genre:

Luster by Raven Leilani
Queenie by Candice Carty-Williams
Conversations with Friends - Sally Rooney
Normal People - Sally Rooney
Exciting Times - Naoise Dolan *
Promising Young Woman - Caroline O’ Donoghue
Insatiable - Daisy Buchanan *
Supper Club - Lara Williams
Pizza Girl - Jean Kyoung Frazier
Acts of Desperation - Megan Nolan

The authors, usually millennial women themselves, create these women characters who are, at first meeting, incredibly hard to love. Characters’ volley between hyper-awareness at the absurdity and patheticness of their lives and a complete lack of self awareness about the impact their decisions have on others. Basically, these aren’t the kind of women you want to pet sit your dog.

Moving on to why I love this ‘genre’ so much - I relate to the characters.

I don’t want to self-disclose too much, because this review isn’t about me and my own poor life choices ( it’s about the unnamed protagonist's poor life choices) , but I could definitely sympathise with a lot of the thought processes and reflections made by the protagonist. The bookmark I was using had the Ursula K. Le Guin quote on it, ‘We read books to find out who we are’ which was apt for ‘Acts of Desperation’. With every Hot Mess Millennial book I read I learn a little bit more about myself, about the parts of myself I don’t really like thinking about and acknowledging and for that I am very grateful.

In Nolan’s debut novel the young woman narrator reflects back on a relationship with an older man that ended a few years prior. Cieran is handsome and self - obsessed which frequently leads to him being cruel to her. The young woman can’t seem to leave him. She loves him. Her reliance on him being in her life leads to her little ‘acts of desperation’, cooking and cleaning and providing sex and always being agreeable. A modern woman voluntarily reduces herself to a stepford wife. Throughout the narration of the volatile relationship between these two characters, the narrator will interject with long reflections and reasoning as to why she is the way she is. We find out about her family, eating disorders, borderline addictions and previous relationships. In ‘Acts of Desperation’ Nolan creates a beautifully fleshed out character, who is so human with her vulnerabilities and limitations.

There are trigger warnings for graphic sexual abuse, self-harm, drug and alcohol use and eating disorders. This isn’t an easy read, but is a great insight into the life of an interesting character.