... forever and ever re-reading ...

Never, even in the most angst-ridden emo lyrics of my youth, have I encountered such pure and undistilled existentialism:

"But all of us are surrounded by the abyss of time, in which we will ultimately vanish; the hunger of the abyss will swallow us all..."

The tedium of reading this book is not unlike the tedium of life as described by this book. But some of us don't mind subjecting ourselves to that kind of thing.

Pareciera una lectura larga por cuanto me demoré, pero no se dejen engañar. Inició siendo mi compañía hacia el trabajo, pero decidí volverlo a leer, pedazo a pedazo de manera acompañada. La forma que está escrito, entre lo etéreo y lo cotidiano es en pocas palabras, una belleza de libro. Constantemente bombardea con frases que resuenan en la vida propia, por ser la forma correcta de decir tantas cosas que uno piensa, o siente.

No es una novela, y debe ser leído con calma; libro que uno disfruta por bocados.

Izmisums un miers

Man, I totally forgot about this book, but I love it. Basically, you need to read his wiki page about the many different noms-de-plume he took; this book is constructed of scraps of writing from various of his different characters that he left behind when he died, virtually unknown, at age 47. It's dark and beautiful.

A trifecta of absolute favorites? Well, not favorites. Existence definers, then. I'll have to say though, this self-discovery wasn't nearly as enjoyable as it was with [b:Of Human Bondage|31548|Of Human Bondage|W. Somerset Maugham|http://d.gr-assets.com/books/1347260157s/31548.jpg|2547187] or [b:The Magic Mountain|88077|The Magic Mountain|Thomas Mann|http://d.gr-assets.com/books/1347799215s/88077.jpg|647489]. I'd turn a page, and there was one of my innermost thoughts, laid out on the page in all its proud solitude.

Solitude. It takes one intimate with this word and all its facets of life to appreciate this book. The author created an entire world of characters in himself, seeing no journey more important than that of the one into oneself. I have not created my own host of fellow souls, but I am intimately familiar with the ever present malaise, the hesitance toward human interaction, the constant worry over ones reputation with others (strangers on the streets to valued friends to all levels of knowing). Ever present dreaming, ever present distraction, ever present evaluation alongside analysis of the self. Proclaiming the uselessness of everything, yet never making the final step. Dreaming of the novel yet knowing that the novel will never happen so long as the familiar remains itself. Playing mental games to deal with the thinking, the feeling, the hopes and desires suffocated in a soul with myriad reasons for not chasing them.What is the cause of this? What chemical pattern of brain influenced by the combination of genes sinks the self down into introversion, into deep safe waters, always craving yet disdaining yet loving yet loathing the concept and existence of the sun. Who knows.

I have not gone as deep as this one here though, and I would have to say that this is better. I don't envy his existence. I see what he has written and can claim multitudes of passages as original thoughts, made by myself upon analysis of our similar existences. There is a quote that says loneliness conveys the sorrow of being alone, while solitude expresses the joy. I look at this book, twenty years of solitude, and I see no solution beyond that of a mindset that I am unwilling to embrace. Falling back on religion is not something I plan on doing anytime soon. Nor will I turn the pain of loneliness into pleasure. I am not so vindictive against humanity as of yet.

This book defines a patch of my soul, but I will not let that patch define me; reading this is just another milestone in my path of figuring out my self, and how to allow myself to live as I desire. A wake up call, of sorts. It will be worth rereading if I ever start sinking into this train of thought; it'll definitely be a sign that I need a change, a vacation of sorts. I haven't yet lost the appreciation of the novel, and I'll be using this book as a reminder of what can happen if I ever do so. A resource against calamity indeed.